Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships. I see a guy walk by, and wonder what he thinks of me. I see a guy in class every day, and start to think about him when I don’t see him. I get a “crush” on a guy, but I don’t tell anyone– ever. I don’t know. . . Maybe I have low self esteem, maybe it’s just because I’ve never had anyone special before, and don’t know how to let someone know I like him. In any case, I don’t know what to do when I like someone. And I want to know what to do. Not that I like anyone special right now, it’s just that, somewhere inside, I want someone special. I want to see a guy smile just for me. I want to know that he likes me back. But all the guys I’ve ever liked (the worthwhile ones, anyways), have never noticed that I like them. They seem incapable of realizing how much it would mean to me to know what they like me, too.
So I muddle along in life as the friendly girl, who’ll give advice to guys when they need it about other girls, bake them cookies, and listen to their problems. I’m the butt of their jokes, the one who pretends to get mad, but usually isn’t. You know me. I’m always with the guys, but never one of them in particular. I don’t have a lot of girl friends, so, whether you realize it or not, I’m pretty lonely most of the time. Guys are nice to hang out with, but they are not girls. So it’s been nice to be in a place where there are other girls around. Maybe this year I’ll (excuse the cliche) start to blossom as myself. I think that this year is a chance for me to find me, myself, and I, and somehow unite my personality into the person I want to be, not the person my circumstances expect, or the one the people around me want. I don’t want to change who I am, just define me. I think that I’ve let other people define me for too long. I think I might surprise myself. So this year, let me take chances, and risks, and make mistakes. Let me be me. I don’t need to conform to the norm of the people around me. I don’t need to change the way I behave because they think it’s weird.
I just need to be me.